So, I have been home a lot more than normal with the boys lately. This has lent itself to me watching more daytime tv. I am not, I repeat not, a fan of soap operas, but have found the awesome HGTV channel, especially the show Design on a Dime. So, I have started my own design on a dime projects, especially the older boys bedroom! Am I excited? OH MY. yes, yes and yes! Am I very quick at getting a project done? Well, no, no and no! haha. Pics posted when I get finished, for now, Im off to DIY! Thanks for reading!
a break??? REALLY!!!!
When our foster parent liaison made his visit the other day, he said, “honey, you need a break… Why don’t you take some respite.” At first I thought, ok, you can have them one day, but then i want them back! Then everyone, and I mean EVERYONE talked me into taking my allotted three nights of respite care, where the kiddos spend the night with another licensed foster family. Now that a million (ok, maybe not a million but it feels that way!) things were packed and documented (to make sure they get back home) I am ready to say… YAY! A break! I love my kids, does that mean I have offered to give them to the lady that works at Taco Bell? NO! Does that mean I contemplate taking them to daycare every morning? NO! haha, anyways, I love my kids, but a break is necessary, which my liaison told me i needed to schedule monthly or he will be calling to schedule for me 
, P.S., he’s keeping the boys this weekend… he is in for a ride man! So, now that their things are packed, they are sleeping soundly in their beds, and tomorrow’s kid free day awaits, I am going to bed… Im sure tomorrow or sunday you will see the post.. I MISS MY KIDS! But until then, I am going to love on them as I push them out the door.
I need a brain dump!
So, the boys have a visit with their dad today. I think visits are def. the hardest part on me as a foster mom, and even harder, I feel like I cant trust these people with their own kids! I know the kids are safe, because they are supervised visits at the CYFD office, but I mainly worry about the safety of my little dudes hearts! Their parents did great at the first visit. the kids did too. They didnt seem confused about the situation at all, which is a little on the strange side to me. But now, I wonder if I can trust them to show up to visits. Their dad in particular. He has lots of things he could use as an excuse, and for some reason I just really see him not showing up. But I have also told myself, I cannot hold that against him, until he doesnt show up. So I told the boys this morning that they would be going for their visit to see daddy and they were so excited. I just pray that he is there. That he shows up to love on these precious boys for his allotted time. If he doesnt show up, I will be fuming! But I will figure out how to tell my precious boys that daddy cant make it today. I know Ill have to sugar coat, and I will for their sake. Its so hard, but I knew what I was getting into! My life as a foster momma… is just rough some times!
“I just dont know how you do it…”
Man, that is something I hear ALMOST everytime I say, I am a foster parent… Really, they dont know how to love a kid? Knowing that that child is suffering and has been through and seen so many horrible things in their little bitty lives and they cant imagine bringing those children into their lives, loving on them, spoiling them (just a little), caring for them, and teaching them Jesus loves them? It is hard, and it has lots of its own challenges, I WON’T lie about that, but really? I dread the day my boys leave, although I know they are going to a safe and loving home in their family unit, people they trust, and know, and love… But the selfish part of me doesnt want to let my little angels go. They are MY babies, granted, I didnt carry them inside my body for nine months, or work for hours to bring them into this world. I didnt mend their first booboos, or hear their first cries, I didnt see their first smiles, or change their first diapers… but in my short time with them I have mended plenty of booboos, and even managed an E.R. trip, I have dried many tears, I have done some pretty goofy things to see those precious smiles, and I have changed my fair share of diapers. And I am sorry I have only had my babies for three months, I am their momma… their foster momma, their momma 2, their other mother, but I am their mother. I am caring for and loving those boys when their real mom cant. Wow, this totally did not go the way I planned! haha. Anyways, as I watch my precious baby boy go through his first birthday, first steps, first hair cut, last bottle and last bite of baby food, it makes me hurt for his “real” mom. How could she loose these angels? How could she miss out on these milestones in her kids lives? How could she trust a total stranger with the lives and health of her own children? I am just so glad that when I “loose” these babies, I know there is nothing I could do, or did to, to make that happen… They were treated with the best care I can give (although I’m still learning the mommy thing!) and I hope they take with them that they are loved! and Jesus loves them! and that they are perfect little beings! Goodnight all..
Just a little me time
Since I became a momma, (my foster kiddos are my only kiddos, besides the fur-kind!) I have learned to take and embrace “me time.” This usually happens when little dude is down for a nap and bigger dudes are at preschool! And today, I did just that! We are talking a warm bath and reading a magazine (Parents, HAHA, me time!) The scary thing was when I realized I had read every page, cover to cover… I never read every page of a magazine, and for sure not cover to cover! When i put a magazine in my hand, I go all A.D.D and check the index then jump all around to different stories.. Man, mommyhood must be chilling me out… kinda crazy!
Rough day…
So, today was a rough day… mainly because of the boys acting out… to what, who knows! but yeah, they went to bed early tonight! I am on a teeter totter of emotions with the boys leaving here… it will be happening, probably sooner than later. In one instance, I know that it will be good. 0 to 3 is a big change, and lets face it, my boys are rambunctious… not just “boys will be boys” I mean really!! But then I do not want to let them go, they are “MY” boys, although I did not carry them in my body for nine months, I did not see them the day they were born, I missed a lot, and i will continue to miss a lot, but these boys will always be mine… They are my first placement, they have taught me so much, and put me through the ringer…(we spent yesterday in the E.R.!) but man, I cant help but peek in on them at night and see their precious faces, and think about this house without them! I look around my house… which used to be so neat and organized! and I think about this song… Dirty Dishes… and I know my house will never be the same. I know there will be many more babies blessing this house, but I will never again have “firsts” and maybe that’s where the twinge in my heart is… They are my firsts, they have a family that loves them, and there will be kiddos out there that need our house much more than these little dudes do… So, to end this post,… Dirty Dishes.
My life as a foster momma
Well, short and sweet. ill work on that, but Ive gotta get to bed… I have three bright shiny faces who will want to play bright and early in the morning!
